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Earnest Pettie, Online

Editor of Pophangover.com, Damn You, Autocorrect!, and the whole Pophangover Network

http://embed.break.com/1924698High School...">Valedictory Remarks From The High School Fight

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I’ll keep my remarks brief because I know we all want nothing more than to get out of here, and also the rapid blood loss from my temple is making it difficult to remain coherent. As I look out across a sea of smiling and somewhat swollen faces, I think to myself, “these are the leaders of the future.” When I told my parents I felt that way, they both burst into tears, but once they stopped banging their heads against the furniture, they too agreed that they could see a future in which our graduating class was in power. That caused a brain aneurism for my father, a brain aneurism of joy, I’m sure.

 

Just four years ago, many of us didn’t know each other nor did we have any idea that we would be trying out for the same spots on our sports teams, in our debate clubs, and with our local gangs. Yet we came together, got to know each other, hatched a plot to kidnap the school board, beat up the snitch who told our plans, and really just learned what it meant to call each other friends. But that was the past, and we’re interested in the future. It may be the delirium setting in, but I expect good things from this graduating class. Whether it is jail or college, many of us already have commitments for the next three to five years with time off for good behavior.

 

Webster’s Dictionary defines Success as “Jacob Henry sucks big ones” because our library’s copy had not been cared for. And you could look at that as vandalism, or you could look at it as just another example of our class’s unwillingness to be bound by the definitions and rules of those who come before us. We have learned to think outside the box because solitary confinement is a dangerous place to be alone with your thoughts. I will bring my comments to a close because my tooth has just fallen out, and I hear the sound of blood rushing in my ears. Yesterday is over; today is drawing to a close; and tomorrow is just over the horizon. If we use tomorrow to rest and heal, we should be ready to go out into the world, the day after tomorrow, for arraignments resulting from the spread of the cellphone video of tonight’s fights. Thank you, graduating class of 2010!

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