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Earnest Pettie, Online

Editor of Pophangover.com, Damn You, Autocorrect!, and the whole Pophangover Network

I'm Sorry I Can't Be Your Superhero

Dear, The Undersigned, I would like to thank you for your recent petition, encouraging me to become Sunnyvale's resident superhero. You collected an impressive number of signatures which, now, are spread across my living room floor. No doubt you were called to action by my apprehension of The Murderous Duo, as captured on security camera and spread across Youtube. Well, I have to tell you that was more of a one-time thing-- like bungee jumping. It was scary, and I never want to do it again. I did it just so that I could say I did. That's the main reason that I must politely decline your invitation. Of course, there are other reasons that I consider to be equally valid.
  • My unique brand of vigilante justice, it turns out, isn't so unique. The guy at the comic book store told me it was actually insultingly hackneyed.
  • I have a well-known and documented aversion to conflict. It took me ten years to divorce my unfaithful wife because every time I'd bring it up, she'd say "What?" and I'd say "Nothing."
  • I'm not fashionably bold enough to pull off a super outfit. I've worn Dockers khakis for fifteen years, and it took a leap just to get me out of the pleated ones into the flat fronts.
  • Finally, while I do have a mysterious past, tons of money, and a butler, I feel I know the best way to maintain those things: avoid public scrutiny, refrain from investing in supergadgetry, and keep the scope of my butler's job description as-is.
Now, my butler, on the other hand might make an excellent superhero. I often give him Saturday nights off because he wants to go "cruisin' for some action." On those nights, he tells me he's going out looking for bad boys in tight pants. I must admit that I have long suspected him of maintaining a secret life that he can only hint at. Sincerely, Superstrong Heronius, III PS. Thank you for sending the first season of Greatest American Hero on DVD. I enjoyed it.

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